92nd Edition
Lesson 9 – You can’t save them all, but you should try to
I first started coaching Maurice when he was 9 years old at a local YMCA. He was tall and skinny, not very skilled, but was blazing fast, and a remarkably natural athlete. I will never forget the glow on his grandmother’s face as I talked about Maurice and his amazing potential as an athlete. I think she hoped that I would stay involved in his life after the season ended.
Here is what happens in most youth sports experiences involving a coach and a promising young player. A bond is established, and the player receives a lot of attention during the season. All this ends after the season is over. The coach goes back to his job, family neighborhood, maybe on to coaching another sport. But what happens to the player? In some cases the player does the same thing. He returns to his family, neighborhood, plays another sport. But some can’t. Why?
Maurice’s dad has been in prison his entire life. His mom is a drug addict, who used to take him to Target to shoplift. She once took off and left him there to avoid being apprehended. He was about 6 years old at the time. Maurice had no place to go back to. That’s the point, and situations like these are not all that rare.
To be impactful, and to change lives, to develop life-changing character requires more than being a dedicated coach for one season. It requires way more than that. Few coaches have the time and energy to continue the relationship after the season, but that is what it takes.
On that 9-year-old YMCA basketball team my oldest son was one of Maurice’s teammates. Once we became aware of Maurice’s challenging home situation, my wife and I discussed adopting him, but since we had two other children, we decided not to. It is one of my deepest regrets as a coach and as a Christian.
I kept an eye on Maurice over the next ten years or so, during which time he struggled in school, and struggled to escape the generational poverty and negative influences of his environment. He was arrested and served time, but still I was hopeful. One time we were together after he was released from prison, and he asked me for money to pay his phone bill. This was our conversation.
“Maurice, I will never give you money. You are too good for that. You are smart, talented, strong and capable of taking care of yourself.” He got mad at me, but I felt it was the right message to deliver.
During his second time in prison he wrote me a letter, in which he stated his sincere desire to be a better dad than his own dad was to him. I encouraged him to make better decisions in his life and said that I would be there to help.
I also spent time with his grandmother and helped her cope with old age maladies. All this was way above my paygrade as a basketball coach. When does our responsibility to the less fortunate end? What do we do when what is required of us is way beyond our comfort zone? When government programs aren’t producing workable solutions, what is our responsibility? All tough questions.
The bottom line is that even heartfelt efforts often can’t overcome societal biases and negative neighborhood influences. Maurice is currently back in prison, serving a six-year sentence. I lost this one and I feel I could have done better.
Lesson 10 – Loving every kid does not mean treating them all the same
How should a coach measure his effectiveness at the end of the season in terms of building character? Not an easy thing to do. Why? Because most of what a coach does is carefully and intentionally planting seeds to grow future leaders, wonderful parents and citizens. In most cases he won’t see the fruits of his efforts until many years later, if even then.
At a recent parent meeting at the high school where I currently coach basketball, a parent asked an insightful question – How will I measure the success of the season? I knew he was concerned that I wasn’t focused enough on the win-loss ratio. I can get a bit too preachy during parent meetings. I had to answer his question honestly and this is what I said – “I will know we had successful season when these guys grow up to be amazing fathers and husbands.”
All the moms in attendance smiled. Not quite all the dads…
Back to the point of Lesson 10. Over nearly three decades of coaching, I’ve never coached two kids who were exactly the same. Kids come from different backgrounds, parental philosophies, and family situations. They all have different skills, abilities, and learning capabilities. They also come in all sizes and shapes, with different temperaments, emotions and sensitivities.
A coach has to earn the trust of each player, and this involves openness, consistency, discipline, and creativity. Why creativity? Because each person is unique as I have described. The skillful coach intuitively realizes what each player needs in each particular situation. Tenderness, understanding, tough love, and encouragement all factor into the mix. When done in the right balance at the right time, kids blossom. But sometimes even the most experienced and dedicated coach gets it wrong. I know I have multiple times. Still, we keep trying, always with the long-term best interest of the kid in mind.
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Michael Kayes
*These views are my personal opinions and are not the viewpoints of any company or organization.